It needs to first be said that sometimes it might not be helpful to bring up the person that the child(ren), you are supporting, is remembering. This could be due to a complicated relationship or how the grief is currently being experienced. If you are supporting a child and you do not know if they would like for you to talk about the person that they are remembering, please ask them what they would prefer. Often people would rather be asked their preference then to have someone assume what would be helpful for them.

Sometimes, it may seem helpful to not bring up a loved one, or someone significant, who has died because you may worry that you will bring on more sadness for the child you are supporting. And indeed, that may be what happens, which is okay as expressing sadness can sometimes be helpful. In fact, did you know that crying:

• Activates the parasympathetic nervous system which restores the body to a state of equilibrium by helping us relax.
• Releases oxytocin which can ease physical and emotional pain.
• Releases endorphins which can help improve our overall mood.
• Releases stress hormones like cortisol that can build up over time.

Adapted from: https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-crying & https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you

I met someone who was 94 at the time and when I told them about my role at the local hospice, being there to support children and families in grief, tears came to their eyes. They spoke about how when they were a child their caregiver died, and no one spoke about their loved one after or about ways to grieve. They talked about how present the grief felt as it had no place to go for so long.

Grief can overwhelm us when it has no place to go. That is when grief can feel like a heavy weight on us. It can be helpful to bring them up often to give people an opportunity to move that grief within us.

As Macklemore says, “the second time [you die] is the last time that somebody mentions your name.”

Keep them present for your child by bringing them up.

In my work, I have noticed that when children are given an opportunity to express their grief, sadness, love, joy, and any other feelings they may have, they are more able to create a container, or a safe space, for their grief and it less often spills into other spaces of their lives in unhelpful ways. You bringing up the person that they are remembering can be especially helpful if they are struggling with expressing feelings in spaces that are not as helpful to be openly grieving such as school or in their activities.

We may worry that bringing up someone who has died will remind them of the death. Grievers often share that our loved ones who have died are often in our thoughts. Bringing them up will not make remind them that their loved one has died; they often say that this is something that they never forget. Bringing up the person they are remembering, acknowledges that this person lived and continues to be a presence in their life. It also creates a space where they may feel safer to share how they feel. So, bring them up, share memories, and give space for the child(ren) to bring them up too.

The hope is that we can help them continue their bond.